


Cursed

by snarkysweetness



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pain, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-06
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-10 13:40:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarkysweetness/pseuds/snarkysweetness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breaking Aurora free of her sleeping curse should have been the end of it, but as she’d discovered, curses weren’t broken as easily as the fairytales suggested and there were different kinds of curses; some even True Love couldn’t save you from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cursed

“Get away from me, I can walk myself home,” Killian mumbled as he staggered along the sidewalk. The former wooden man followed closely, but kept his distance. Killian was grateful. He’d been fighting his own feelings for weeks, trying to keep his composure for _her_ , but he’d finally broken down. Unable to face her he’d found himself alone with his old friend Captain Morgan while holing up in his ship. August, being the decent asshole he was had come to retrieve him and after a few hours of trying to sober him up, had convinced him it was time to go home and face _her_.

_“’Rora, are you alright, love?”_

_The sink was on, but he could still hear her quiet sobs. He pressed his hand to the door as she fumbled about, flushed the toilet, and closed the faucet._

_“I’m fine,” she lied. He didn’t need to see her to know her eyes were red to the brim with tears. Plus, she was a terrible liar. Killian listened, trying to figure out what had his girl locked up in the bathroom crying, but she emerged a moment later, looking pale, but otherwise fine. “I need to take out the trash,” she mumbled, avoiding eye contact._

_He sighed and watched her before noticing something she’d dropped on the floor. He moved to his knees and picked up the small scrap of paper before sitting down with his back against the wall._

_“Fuck.”_

August’s hand on his shoulder jarred him from his memory and he jerked away from August violently.

“I told you I don’t need a fucking babysitter, mate!”

“The fuck you don’t. I found you holed up on your ship, nearly passed out in a mess of empty rum bottles. The only reason your wife hasn’t left you is because I lied to my wife and told her that you weren’t off at the bar or on a bender again, you were just with me all day. When Aurora asks, you were working with me in the workshop and when you got bored, you decided to have a few rounds and lost track of time.

I don’t need you ruining my marriage too.”

“I don’t know why you bother, she’ll leave me eventually. It’s my fault you know, all of this. I killed my crocodile and I cursed us both,” he laughed bitterly. “Everything is my fault. She should leave me. She’d be better off. She lost her True Love, her prince, to death, and then fell in love with a murderer. Maybe she’ll have a better shot with lucky husband three, eh?”

August sighed and Killian leaned against a wall, too drunk to keep walking on his own.

“She would never say that to you, asshole. Just…let me get you home. You two will get through this.”

Killian snorted and reached into his coat for his flask. When his friend went to snatch it away, Killian waved it threateningly, along with his hook.

“I will resort to a new low and spill this all over you, mate. If that princess of yours thinks you’ve fallen off the wagon, she’ll take those kids and leave you. What is it like, knowing that perfect little life you’ve made for yourself can be taken away from you the moment you make a single mistake?”

August rolled his eyes, but Killian just shook his head.

“She doesn’t have to say it,” he said after he took a long swig of the burning amber liquid. “I know she thinks it. I took a life and now we’re cursed to never make a new one. We can’t all be like you, mate. It must be nice to have it all; the sexy wife, the adoring step-son, and a new baby that you didn’t even plan to have; it just surprised you one day.

A perfectly, healthy little…” His stomach lurched as his head swan and Killian leaned over, to vomit. August reached for him again but he shoved him off once he was sure he was done.

“Don’t touch me. You have no right to…don’t you get it? You have everything! I look at you and I hate you most of the time. I’ve failed in everything, the only thing I ever did right was her and I can’t even…” The tears came before he could stop them and he slid down against the wall until he was curled up into a small ball of sobs and snot.

“She wants one thing from me, just the one, and I can’t…I just…” He ran his hands through his hair, pulling on the locks in anger. “She doesn’t have to tell me it’s my fault, because it is. I did horrible things for three hundred years and I cursed us both.”

_She’d survived the sleeping curse; a curse that she’d suffered twenty-eight years longer than her prince had intended. She’d lost her family, her kingdom, and the man she loved, all while continuing to suffer the lingering torments of her curse. Breaking Aurora free of her sleeping curse should have been the end of it, but as she’d discovered, curses weren’t broken as easily as the fairytales suggested and there were different kinds of curses; some even True Love couldn’t save you from._

_Not that he considered himself to be her True Love. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he was worthy of such a love, but if he was, then she was his. He’d loved Milha, enough to spend three hundred years on a quest to avenge her death, but that love was nothing compared to what he felt for his kind hearted, spunky sleeping princess._

_He loved her more than anything or anyone he’d ever loved in his very long life, which made her betrayal sting even deeper._

_“How long did you really think you could keep this from me?”_

_“So, you know.” That was it. No indignation, no shock, no guilt, just ‘so, you know’. Killian felt like punching something._

_“That’s all I get? You’re having my child and what? You were just planning on keeping it from me?”_

_Aurora glanced his way with a glare._

_“We both know that just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean there’s going to be a child.”_

_She couldn’t have wounded him more if she’d stuck him with a sword. So, that was it then? He tried not to remember the first time, but it was impossible not to; those memories still haunted him._

_They hadn’t even been trying, it had just happened. She’d left him after realizing his lust for revenge was stronger than his lust for her. He hadn’t helped his cause when he’d finally found a way to kill Rumpelstiltskin. Aurora had been done with him and he didn’t blame her, but once she’d discovered she was pregnant…_

_Well, the baby had brought her back to him, which he would forever be grateful for. She’d once accused him of having nothing to life for but his desire to kill the dark one and that once he finally accomplished his goal he’d leave her because she meant nothing to him. Perhaps that had been true, at one time, but after he’d succeeded in his quest, when he’d expected to feel peace settle over him, so he could rejoin his Milha in the afterlife. He was surprised to find that all he wanted to do was find that maddening girl who had somehow managed to forgive him for all of the horrible things he’d done to her and prove that he was worthy of her._

_She’d crept up on him, an unexpected burden that he’d grown to rely on. The last thing he’d ever wanted was to be a father, but the prospect of being a mother made her happier than he’d ever seen and he eventually grew to love the little bugger._

_So the night he’d found her with her hands covered in blood, her nightgown soiled red, and a mix of shock and horror on her face had been the night he’d truly understood pain; losing Milha, his mother, neither of those things held a flame to the heartbreak he’d felt when he’d lost his child and Aurora._

_She was still there, with him, but after she’d lost the baby, she’d ceased to be his Aurora. She was a shell of her former self. Gone was the spirited, damaged young girl with love in her heart and something to prove and in her place was a bitter, broken bird without wings._

_“Aurora, you can’t know that you’ll-“_

_“What? Lose this one too?”_

_They’d tried, for three years, but every time she’d manage to get pregnant…_

_“Sparrow-“ He whispered as he reached out to cup her cheek. She flinched away from him, her face hard._

_“No, Killian. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep…something’s wrong with me. Maybe it was being frozen in that sleeping curse for so long or maybe my family line was meant to die with me, but I’m not supposed to be a mother. I need to learn to accept that and…Dr. Whale says there’s a way to not have to worry about it anymore-“_

_“Don’t be foolish, if anyone is to blame, it’s me-“_

_“No, I have no problem getting pregnant, it’s the staying pregnant part and that’s on me.”_

_She gave him a sad look and turned. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. What could he say? Nothing would change the fact that she had a point. If she didn’t want to have to keep going through this, he wasn’t about to force her, but for her to give up on this child, before they even lost it…_

_He closed his eyes with a small sigh as her sobs filled the room. For all of her bravado, she would never stop caring or give up hope. She’d cling on to this pregnancy until there was nothing to hold on to and then she’d slip even further away._

“You need to stop, she needs you. Aurora’s lost everything, she can’t lose you too.”

“She’d be better off without me,” Killian mumbled. “Besides, she has you and that pesky wife of yours and Mulan and the Charmings…she’d get by.”

He really did think that she’d be better off. She could mourn, heal, and move on with someone else who could make her happy. She’d settled on him when her prince had died and he’d selfishly allowed it. She was just another treasure he’d had to possess and now…

A part of him was too selfish to run away and let her go and the other was too terrified to keep putting himself through the angst that was their ‘marriage’. Hell, they weren’t even really married, he’d simply declared her his one day and decreed that since a captain of a vessel held the power to perform a marriage and they were now married.

She’d been so amused with the idea that he was willing to commit himself to her she’d never questioned the validity of it, until recently. These days, she found any reason to pick fights with him, just to feel something besides despair he supposed.

“Killian, leaving her isn’t going to fix anything.”

“Never said I was, mate.”

August pulled something out of his pocket and threw it to the ground before sitting next to him. Killian sighed once he realized it was the charts he’d mapped out for a return to the enchanted forest.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” August gave him a long, judgmental look, which was rare. His friend had made enough mistakes in his life that he generally only judged himself, but Killian knew he deserved it, even if he wasn’t sure he cared. If he did leave, it would hardly be the worst thing he’d ever done, and it would be for Aurora’s own good.

“Just think about her before you do anything stupid. There are some things that you can’t take back from. You’re a selfish prick, Jones, but I believe you love her. Now, come on, before they come looking for us.”

_He sat with the back of his head resting against the wall, staring at nothing, really._

_“Again?”_

_He nodded, feeling empty. Aurora didn’t even want to see him._

_“I’m sorry,” Emma whispered, taking a seat next to him. They didn’t say anything, they both just sat outside of Aurora’s hospital room, waiting. That was the only time the two had ever gotten along._

Emma sat on the sofa, holding a crying Aurora in her arms. The moment they stepped into the room, Emma shot Killian a look so cold he actually shivered.

“Is he drunk again?”

“No,” August lied.

“Why are his eyes red?”

August have his wife a ‘look’. She gave Killian another long, hard glare, before whispering something to Aurora.

“No, go, I’m fine. At least I know he’s alive.” Aurora composed herself, stood, and marched out of the room and to their bedroom, where the click of the lock informed him that he would be sleeping on the couch tonight.

_He stood in the rain, with nothing but the clothes on his back, and a map. He wouldn’t be taking anything with him. He didn’t need it; the only thing he needed sat in the window seat of their bedroom, watching him with sad eyes._

_She wasn’t stopping him. He’d given her a choice and she’d let him walk out and here she was, watching him go and…_

_He blankly stared at the path that led to the docks, knowing he should go, he should leave her, it was what was best, for the both of them. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It killed him, that she had already let go of him but he was still here, he was still trying._

_The fact was, he was the one who loved more. He’d always assumed, because he’d had to earn her forgiveness and because she’d granted it that he couldn’t possibly love her as much as she loved him, but he was wrong. She’d given her forgiveness not because she loved him or because he’d earned but because she’d been afraid to be alone. He was the consolation prize while she was his Atlantis._

_He’d never deserved her and he was kidding himself if he thought she’d ever beg him to stay._

_So why was he walking back up the stairs, each step making him loathe himself even more? He was too selfish to leave her. She was the only thing he had left. He’d gotten his revenge and he didn’t dare think he would be reunited with Milha; she wouldn’t love the man he had become and she was no longer the love of his life._

_Aurora was all he wanted and even if she didn’t want him, he couldn’t let go of her. She belonged to him, whether she liked it or not, and he wasn’t going anywhere._

Killian pressed his cheek to their bedroom door and sighed.

“’Rora, love, I…” When it came to her, words weren’t his friend. Her short temper aside, there were never words good enough to convey the way he felt for her. She was the wind in his sails, he needed her to survive. He knew it didn’t matter, but he needed to remind her, especially tonight.

“I know you hate me. I know you want me to leave. I know…the only reason you put up with me is because you’d be alone without me. Mulan has found her soldier, the Charmings have each other, and…I’m sorry I can’t give you a child. I know you think it’s you, but let’s face it, it’s me.

I’m selfish and a murderer and I don’t deserve to be happy and because I’ve cursed myself, I’ve also cursed you because you were foolish enough to take up with me.

I mean…

You could never be foolish, love, I just…

I’ve never been worthy of your love and I get it now. You hate me, you should hate me. I hate me. You deserve better but I’m too selfish to walk away. I love you. When I killed Rumpelstiltskin I felt empty. My entire life was about revenge but I will never regret it. If I hadn’t set out to kill him I would have never met you.

Aurora, please, talk to me. You haven’t said a word to me in days. Not since…I’m sorry. I promise, I’ll never touch you again. You won’t have to risk getting pregnant, I just…yell at me, hit me, do something. You’re terrifying me. I’m afraid…”

He closed his eyes and exhaled.

“I can stand losing you if you want me gone, but I feel like I lost you a long time ago. I can handle losing you but not like this. I want to know that you’ll be healthy and happy and not this shell of the woman I love.”

Nothing. No tears. No shuffling about the room. Nothing.

“I ruined you and I’m sorry.”

He slid down the wall and buried his face in his good hand.

“I…

It terrified me, the thought of you being pregnant and it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be a father. I…my own father was a disappointment. I never wanted to be him. Davy Jones wasn’t an easy man to love and I followed in his footsteps blindly, but I always vowed I’d be a good father if I was ever given the chance.”

And he really had wanted the chance. He wanted the pitter patter of little feet running across his ship. He wanted to see the glint of happiness in her eyes as she laughed while their child took its first steps. He wanted to see her smile again; he’d give anything to see her be happy again.

“Milha was pregnant when that bastard killed her. We were going to have a family…” He stared down at the floor and tried to fight off the image of Milha’s smiling face. “We returned to port to find Bae. She’d never forgiven herself for leaving him. But what choice did she have? Stay in a loveless marriage? Take her son from his father to live out on the sea with a man she barely knew?

He took away the only two things that had ever truly been mine other than my ship. I will never regret what I had to do.  I only regret what I did to you on my quest to do it. That is one of the few regrets I have in life. That I hurt you, that I cannot give you the family you desire and deserve, and that I let that crocodile kill Milha and my child.

I wish I could be sorry that I’m not your prince, that I’m not a better man, but I can’t. I’m the man I always wanted to be; ruthless, able to take what I want, and willing to fight for what is mine. You knew what I was when you decided to be with me, Princess. You knew I would never change. You accepted this, so I just…”

He didn’t know where he was going with this; he just needed to get it all off of his chest. He needed for her to hear him. For her to talk to him. For her to do anything but sit in their bedroom, silent.

I’m sorry, Aurora.

There’s nothing I can do and I know that but please, let me try.

I love you. And I’ve loved every child we’ve lost. You’re not alone in this, love. Take it out on me if you have to, just…I can’t lose you, too. It’s selfish, but I can’t. I love you,” he said desperately.

“Why?” Her voice was quiet and for a moment, he thought he’d imagined it. Shadows fell over the small light seeping underneath the door and he scrambled to his feet. Killian pressed his palms and his forehead to the door and almost smiled in relief.

“What kind of question is that, ‘Rora? How could I not love you?”

“Is it because I’m beautiful? Phillip…he always loved me. Since we were children. Sometimes I wonder if he only loved me because I was the only option. We were meant to be married and at least I was nice to look at. Other men tried to wed me, to break our engagement, because I was beautiful, but I always loved Phillip. I think he truly loved me, sometimes it’s hard to remember, but I do wonder if he would have bothered had he been given other options.

So…

Why do you love me? I need to know.”

He wished she’d open the door, so she could see that he meant his words, but he knew better than to ask.

“Because you’re kind. You saw good in me when no one else would. You’re stubborn, once you set your mind to something there’s no going back. Your temper is sexy as Hell. I love the way you’re grumpy first thing in the morning and the way you scratch my back when you let me fuck you. I love everything about you; the good, the bad, the parts you don’t even know about. You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met. And…I just love you, ‘Rora. I can’t name all of the reasons because there are too many.

But let’s be real, the biggest reason is because you’re a treasure and I’m a dirty pirate, love. I love me a good treasure,” he whispered with a smile.

He heard a small, very brief chuckle, and he knew he had her. A moment later the door open and she stood in the doorway, illuminated by the soft glow of the overhead light.

“I’m sorry, ‘Rora.” He reached out and hesitantly touched her cheek. “We can let Whale do the operation, anything you want. We don’t have to have a child, we can…” He shrugged. “Hell, I’ll steal a child if it suits you, anything to see you smile again, love.” She leaned into his touch and he pulled her into his arms. He stroked her hair and sighed with relief as she hugged him back. “I really thought this one would stick…I shouldn’t have. And I’m sorry I left I just…I didn’t want you to see me break. I needed to be here for you and you didn’t need to see me like that. I promise I won’t leave you again, unless you tell me to, and even then, I can’t guarantee I’ll heed to your wishes.”

“I knew you’d be back; you always come back. I just fear the day when there is no you to return to me.”

“’Rora-“

“I don’t hate you, Killian. I don’t want you to think this has anything to do with you. I love you; I just…this marriage doesn’t work. Not the way we’ve been…” she sighed. “We’ve been through so much, but we’re still here, we’re still trying, which is worth something. I just…it kills me every time. I don’t even know who I am anymore. All I feel is…” He felt her tears before he heard them and he held her closer.

“Pain, I know, love. Come,” he whispered as he helped her into her window seat. She hugged a pillow to her chest and he took her hand and watched her for a moment.

“It’s okay to hate me, you know. If you need to hate someone-“

“I’m still pregnant,” she whispered, before looking up to meet his eyes, guilt lining her own. He tried not to let himself feel joy, for all he knew, this was a trick on her part, or they’d lose this child, just like they had all the others.

“But I found you and there was blood like the other-“

“Whale said you got me to the hospital in time. He said this one’s a fighter, like me.” She snorted and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “He told me to take it easy and to let her keep fighting.”

“Her?”

“I know, I’m attached already, and it’s fooli-“

Killian pressed his lips to hers before pulling her into his lap.

“Hush, this is a good thing. This is the farthest you’ve been and if she’s still fighting…’Rora, you can’t give up hope just yet. Yes, we could lose her, like the others, but we’ll never have a shot of seeing her born and-“ Even while trying to give her hope, he couldn’t allow himself to hope too much. “It’ll never happen if you assume she’ll die before you’ve given her a chance to live, love.

And if we do lose her, we’ll…we’ll just have to accept that it’ll just be us two.”

“I just want to be a mother.”

“I know,” he pressed a kiss to her temple and rubbed her back gently.

“Killian, if this…I don’t know if we could survive, with just the two of us. We’ll try, but I’ll need time. All of this…I never have a chance to get over one before I’m mourning another. I just need time to heal. I know you’ll give it to me, but I’m afraid there’ll never be enough time. You shouldn’t waste your time waiting and hoping I’ll be me again someday, that we’ll be happy again. It’s not fair to you.”

He smiled.

“Love, I’ve done so many horrible things in my lifetime, I think a bit of suffering is in order. And I happen to know of a place where you’d have all the time in the world to grieve and find yourself again. It even has orphans who would love a mother.”

This earned him a smile.

“I supposed that’s one way to get what I want.”

He kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her.

“I’ll do whatever I have to do to give you what you want, Princess.”

“I know you would and it frightens me that I’d let you.”

He clutched her tightly against his chest, knowing that if she did lose this child, it would destroy what was left of her. It would ruin her to the point where she wouldn’t want to be in this world any longer. His true fear was that he would lose her for good and he vowed to do everything in his power to prevent that from happening.

She was the one thing he couldn’t bear to lose. A part of him died each time he had to watch her suffer through a miscarriage, but he would truly die the moment she was lost to him for good. He would endure all of the pain and suffering in this world if it meant he could hold onto her.

He’d give her a child, even if he had to kill or steal to get her one.

“What shall we name her when she’s born?” He whispered. They’d stop naming their little bundles of pain after she lost the third one. It was less painful for her when she didn’t have all of her plans set; it was the only reason she’d held on this long.

“Violet,” she whispered, surprising him. He’d been expecting her to protest, to remind him there was no point in hoping. He smiled and gazed down at her.

“That’s a good name. Now, tell me, what will this child of ours be like?” He settled back and listening as she quietly recited the desires she’d reluctantly allowed herself to have for this child.

Killian knew this could only end in one of two ways. Either they somehow broke through this curse that fate had cast on them and he finally got to see her holding a child she so desperately wanted or it would end with their deaths: hers from a heart to broken to keep beating and his because he refused to live in a world without her in it.

In his heart, he knew how this would end, but as he held her against his chest, he couldn’t help but hope for the best, because if anyone in this world deserved their happy ending, it was his sleeping beauty.


End file.
